The happy face is cracking. I was in a delirious state for much of April, following a month of intense anxiety. I almost felt at peace with what happened and felt what I thought was happiness more than once. I could see a way forward. Even at the time, I was suspicious of these feelings, and now I see that I was doing what I do: processing things intellectually and not dealing with my real feelings. When possible, I was blocking the flash-backs and grief and focusing everything on trying to conceive. My therapist pointed out today that this was probably just a deeper form of the shock and denial I'd experienced in the early weeks. I remember wondering early on how you can tell the difference between grief and post-partum depression. Well, now I know you can.
Everything is REAL and close now and I can't seem to shake it off. It's not just grief or sadness, it's like a heavy blanket that clouds my mind and squeezes my heart. I'm exhausted and anxious, my thoughts are scattered, and doing anything more than what I have to do seems impossible. I've thought several times that it would be better if I just wasn't here anymore (though I haven't thought about harming myself with any real intention). I've tried to explain how I'm feeling, but I feel shut down by many friends and family, who often change the subject or try to console me or cheer me up. Though I know I shouldn't, this has caused me to isolate myself. I can't seem to care about anything other than Danny. Even our TTC journey isn't really holding my interest anymore. I found this post-partum depression check-list (click here) and so many of the items apply to me.
I feel like there are two of me; one is the outward me who can sometimes smile and carry on conversations, then there is the inward me, whose only thoughts are of Haven and the life I should be living. Unfortunately, inward me has become outward me in the last few weeks. I'm quiet, I cry, and I don't know how to smile for real anymore. I barely made it through our vacation intact, though I somehow managed to keep from crying in front of our friends. I don't know why I feel I need to appear strong when I'm anything but.
The whole month has really been a trial, and now I am suddenly stuck in the mire. It's like it snuck up on me, even though I can see all of the signs now. There were several big triggers, all right in a row (not counting many smaller triggers):
1) The week leading up to Mother's Day, which is when we were picking out a headstone.
2) Mother's Day.
3) Ordering the headstone.
4) Getting my period after our first cycle. Felt like betrayal.
5) Haven's 3 month mark.
6) My sister-in-law and brother-in-law's son was born. He should have been grandchild #2.
7) Vacation. Last year, we left for this same destination the day after I found out I was pregnant. The home we stayed in was full of ghosts.
8) Newborn photos all.over.facebook. ("This is what life's all about. Early morning rocks with my baby boy.")
9) My sister and brother-in-law decided that they would dedicate their baby on Father's Day and we're invited. I just...can't. I know there is no way they realize just how hard that would be for us, or why Father's Day is one of the worst days they could possibly have chosen, but I still feel stunned.
10) Some comments from people that showed me just how alone we are in this.
11) Hormones. Pregnancy hormones are a cake-walk compared to post-partum hormones. I basically feel awful all of the time. My body is a lumpy, chubby mess, and I hate it so much right now.
12) I am supposed to return to work in about two weeks and I do not feel ready. I am barely getting my house to a livable state, never mind working full-time! I don't know what to do. A friend commented that "maybe it'll be like you never left!" Riiiiight.
So here I am, a depressed and physically pained mother with no baby. I feel like it is all pointless, but I keep trudging on. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I still believe there will be life after this, but it's a struggle to put one foot in front of the other. How do you become a part of society again when you feel like a total alien? How do you grin and bear it? How do you start to care about life again when your whole future was derailed? Do I even want to keep going? What guarantee is there that things will ever be better?
Right foot forward, left foot forward...and repeat.
Hi, I found your blog on a new forum for stillbirth support that I joined. I read one of your comments and wanted to come visit your blog. I, too, am a blogger (youaretheroots.com) and for some reason it's comforting to find someone else who writes through the pain. I know I make so many people uncomfortable when I write about our loss, but it's the only way I know how to try to heal -- if that even makes sense.
ReplyDeleteWe lost our beautiful daughter on May 23rd. I was almost 30 weeks pregnant at the time. We learned she had a congenital heart defect later on but her heart kept deteriorating and then one day, the movement stopped and I knew. She was born on our wedding anniversary. I do have a three year old boy at home and being busy with him helps me heal -- but at nighttime, I find that I can't do anything that even resembles functioning. It's hard to not feel so alone.
I hope you don't mind me reaching out. Your little girl is absolutely beautiful, and I just want to send you so much love.
Thank you for your comment, Lindsay! I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I also had a very bad feeling the day Haven stopped moving. It was pure horror to be proven right.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you reached out! You can email me directly if you like (there is a form on the side of the blog). I'll come check out your blog too!
I think it's soooo important to talk about stillbirth, because most people don't. Breaking the silence is really important to me. If that helps even one mom or dad down the road, then this is all worth it. :)