An Average Night in the Life of an Insomniac...

Insomnia. I have been fighting this particular demon for about four months straight, and it's not my first battle (it's been a part of my life as long as I can remember). It is so frustrating to tell people you're exhausted because you have insomnia and can't sleep, and they're like, "oh my god, that happens to me sometimes too, like when I'm stressed out and I can't get to sleep for a night or two." And then I look at them blankly, four months after the last restful sleep I had, and envy them wholeheartedly.

Insomnia can be caused by a variety of reasons. Mine is caused by severe anxiety.


Here is what it is like sometimes:

Me: I am so exhausted, babe, let's go to bed early tonight.
Hubby: Sure!

5 minutes later, Hubby is sleeping, and I am laying there with my earplugs in (snoring defense) and my eyes closed, waiting hopefully for sleep. My body relaxes and I think, "I am so comfortable!"

And then...

Brain: Hey!
Me: UGH, what do you want?

Brain: Oh, I was just wondering if you wanted to think about everything stressful that happened today and all of the potentially stressful things that are going to happen tomorrow and in the future. And for fun, let's make those worries be about the worst possible outcome!
Me: That does not sound like fun at all. Leave me alone.

Brain: Too bad, I'm sending you some thoughts now!
Me: Sigh.

Hours of racing thoughts later...

Brain: I think you dozed off there for about ten minutes, so I thought I'd surprise you. YAY, YOU'RE AWAKE!
Me: Leave.Me.Alone. I am so tired. I JUST want to sleep.

Brain: Nah, let's think about...Haven!
Me: I...I want to, but I can't right now.

Brain: Too late! Hey, let's think about the most traumatic three days of your life. WITH flashbacks! Let's relive every painful moment! Man, you're probably never going to be happy again. What a bummer! You sure were happy there for about 9 months. What a moron! You really thought everything would be okay! You sure look like a fool now.
Me: I hate you.

I turn over in bed and curl into a ball, crying. I wake up two hours later, thinking I must have dozed off...

Brain: You're back! I was bugging you for about 15 minutes trying to get your attention! Well, I'm kind of thinking we should go back to the impending doom thoughts.
Me: Why? I was resting there for a little while and that was nice. Can we just go back to that?

Brain: You're no fun. How about your heart starts racing now and you find it hard to breathe? I like that game. Oh wait, let's also add in...PALPITATIONS! Woo!
Me: Please, no. Seriously, why are you doing this? *tries to breathe slowly to calm down*

Brain: Oh, I'm just your pal and I like playing with ya! I want to see how much you can take!
Me: I've had enough, really! Can I just sleep now? I'm so tired...

Brain: Nah, let's think about Haven again. About how the nurse's face looked when she couldn't find the heartbeat. And the doctor's face. And your husband's face. How quiet the room was when she was born. How you could hear that baby born down the hall and you thought you might die. How your voice sounded when you sobbed. How soft her skin felt when you kissed her face. How your arms still feel so empty. How you feel like an outsider all the time now. How-
Me: Please leave me alone.

3 hours later...

Brain: Hey, it's almost morning! You slept for about two hours, I think! Look, there's a bit of light coming in through the curtains. That means it's time to feel wired. YEAH! I love mornings!
Me: It is not morning. I know it's not morning. Would you just shut up?

Brain: It's morning. It's just that it's overcast today. You'll have to get up soon, so no point in trying to sleep more. I think your heart should race some more now.
Me: AUGH. *reaches for phone* ...it's only 4:30am!

Brain: Well, you're awake now, so let's think some more about that impending doom stuff. About how everything you have, you're going to lose. How you're going to be alone. What's the point, anyway? Man, I like to play this game.
Me: I'm too tired to even fight you.

Three hours later, after half-sleep and whirling thoughts and uncertainty over whether I slept or not...

Brain: Wake up, wake up, wake up!!!
Me: What? What is it?

Brain: Oh, nothing. Just seeing if you wanted to think about things again.
Me: NO! I don't!

Brain: Oh well, it's time to get up soon anyway.
Me: There must be a little more time left... *dozes off*

The alarm goes off. I take a deep breath and pull together my scraps of resolve to tackle the day.



And that is what most nights are like for me. This is not even one of the worst nights. I must be a superhero to still be physically and mentally functioning enough to get by. Maybe tonight I'll finally sleep...