Bad Idea

*Language alert for this post, if you care about that sort of thing.

Today, I went to Target to do some shop therapy. Turns out it was a bad idea. There were some items I needed to pick up for baby shower gifts (have I mentioned that seemingly ALL the women of child-bearing age in our lives are pregnant or have just had babies?) As I walked up to the baby clothes section, I saw the most beautiful little white dress - exactly what I had wanted to get for Haven for her dedication. Next to it hung the dress my friend ended up buying for her, except in a different colour (her dedication dress ended up being her burial dress). I should have turned and ran. As I reached out and touched all of the little girl clothes, I could feel my face fall. I wondered what people thought of the sad woman touching the baby things. I was thinking, "I miss my baby so much. And what if I never get to have a living baby girl? Or any living babies?" I thought of the hours I'd spent in that same store picking out things for Haven and other friends' babies when I was pregnant. I was so happy back then. What a punch in the gut. I proceeded to the little boy clothes, and every little pair of pants and every little onesie was a knife in the heart. I walked away from there panicked and nearly hyperventilating.

I went to the ladies clothing section and, without consciously deciding to do so, ended up in the maternity clothes. I looked at the beautiful dresses and shirts and it was just painful how much my body longed at that moment to be pregnant again, waiting for Haven to come. So expectant and joyful and naive. I nearly bought a pretty black shirt for myself "for next time," but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It's just too hard to think about the fact that I might not get a chance to be that big again, and to think about the pain that my mind fully expects will be the next outcome. I can't let myself believe we'll be so blessed, even though the odds are so small. The odds were tiny this time: a 0.6% chance of it happening, and I got to be the unlucky mama who filled that statistic.

I headed toward housewares, and my super-sonic hearing detected a newborn a few aisles behind me. I doubt anyone else would have heard it, but I did, and I immediately began walking faster to get away, away, anywhere but near that sweet, beautiful, gut-wrenching sound. More panicked feelings, more almost-hyperventilation. Then, up ahead, a little girl around 4 years old with her daddy. Seriously?!

FUCK. (Yes, I love Jesus and I just cursed. Get over it.)

I just hurt so much.

Before I left the store, a family member called and, in the course of our conversation, told me about a drug-addicted woman in their city who apparently just walked out of the hospital, abandoning her newborn, who is now in withdrawal. And I thought, "Fuck you, you stupid woman. Don't you know how unfair it is that you somehow got your baby to term and now you don't even want it?" I could just strangle her. It makes me furious that people take their ability to have a child for granted. Even among my friends who grumble about this or that, I want to just scream at them, "you don't know how lucky you are!!!!"

Some of my friends try to be encouraging and say things like, "try not to think about it happening again," and I think to myself, "what the fuck else CAN I think? This is the only experience I've had: perfect pregnancy with a dead baby at the end for no detectable reason. Just bad fucking luck. And now I'm at least 5x more likely to experience that same pain again. Take your idiotic faith in happy outcomes and shove it." Maybe I'd throw in a kick to the babymaker for good measure. But I don't say those things. I don't kick people in the junk. I just shrivel up inside a little more.

I'm just SO angry.

I truly don't want to leave the house anymore. The world out there is too big, and there are too many babies and careless words and everyone's lives going on without Haven. Can I just hibernate until there is a baby in my arms? Or, better yet, can someone wake me from this horrible dream?