Baby-dancing, Month #1

Those in the online forum world will get a chuckle out of the title. Almost three months out, we have decided to head down the "trying to conceive (TTC)" road. Aaand, I am obsessed already. I know it's not fair, but when we conceived Haven, she was a total surprise after the one and only time we ever "baby-danced" unprotected around ovulation. But in reading so many forum and articles online, I know it's pretty unlikely that we will have the same luck so close after a full term delivery. Even though my ovulation is already late this cycle, I've been reading into every little ache and twinge and imagining I'm pregnant. I wish I could say I'm being cool about the whole thing, but I know I'll be crushed if my period comes in a few weeks.

It is emotional to be heading in this direction. On the one hand, I am totally excited and ready, but on the other, my fears and worries cover me like a heavy blanket. What if I am infertile now? What if it takes a long time to become pregnant? What if we're trying too early? What if I miscarry, or worse, lose another baby late-term? To be honest, my mind can't believe that I am capable of bringing a living baby into this world. It feels impossible. I am sad, because I know that my innocence regarding pregnancy is gone and can never come back. I know another pregnancy will be so bittersweet. But here we are. I am eager, despite it all.

I know I can never replace my beautiful daughter, but I do hope that I can make her a little brother or sister. I hope that we can bring home a baby, and find healing in that. I miss my baby so much, but I know this is the path I need to be on. Focusing on it has been a saving grace in this wasteland of grief.

One of the only things I have complete confidence in is my relationship with my wonderful husband. I know that, no matter what happens, he will support me and be there by my side. I hope, more than almost anything, that I can make him a dad to a baby we can take home. Nothing could bring me more joy.